Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
