1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
