I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
