I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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