she woke up with a sticky ear
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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