Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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