it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He did a backflip because drugs
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