I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
