1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
