Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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