Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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