Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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