he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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