Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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