The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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