What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
