Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
