I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
