I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
