I don't usually arrange sex via text message
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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