my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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