but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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