I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
