what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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