rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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