My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
