I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
