I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
