No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
