i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
