just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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