I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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