I could have mohawked her pubes.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is my gift to your gina
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
