i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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