still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
