You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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