it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
