she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
