I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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