My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
