well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
