So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
