I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
