I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
