You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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