Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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