The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
