Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
