i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
pop tarts are not kleenex
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
