well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
3 2 1 whiskey
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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