his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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